What I do vs.what I want to do

I don't know if any of you are anything like me, but there are times when I feel torn and confused. Confused between what I want to do and what I actually do.

There are times, in all well-meaning, I want to do something right. For example, I want to be early for a certain appointment. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, I get late. Because I spent a few more minutes sleeping after the alarm went off. Then I took a little longer to take a bath, because I was enjoying the warmth of the water. By the time I'm out of the house, I'm ten minutes late, but I console myself that the car I'll use will make up for lost time.

But I run into traffic, and things move from bad to worse. It takes much, much, longer than I'd anticipated. By the time I get to the appointment, I look like a person who has no clue what time is.

Or when I want to clean the house by a certain time. But as I clean, I see an irresistible article in a magazine, and sit down to read. "It'll only take a few seconds", I tell myself. After I'm done reading, I continue with the cleaning, and then hunger creeps in. I look in the fridge, pick up something and warm it. I sit to eat, thinking, "A few minutes of eating won't hurt, will it?" By the time I'm done, I'm way behind my schedule.

 And such is my life. A constant war between what I want to do and what I really do.

A letter to Joseph

Dear Joseph,
I hope this letter finds you well. I have a few questions for you, I hope you don't mind my asking.

First, how did it feel to hear that your fiancée was pregnant? How did she break the news? Was she excited, scared, nervous...? And how did you take it? Were you nervous? Angry? Afraid? Disappointed? How did it feel to see your wife's stomach growing with a baby that wasn't yours?

How did it feel like helping Mary give birth to Jesus? Was it scary? Was it love at first site with Jesus? Was he preciously pretty as you held him? Did he cry all night? Was he quiet? Did  your hands tremble as you wrapped him in swaddling clothes?

How did you handle the terrible twos? Was he everywhere doing the wrong things? Was it easy to teach him how to potty? Was he a nightmare during meal times? Did he enjoy eating? Did he spill his food on his clothes as he ate? Was he a jolly, happy, child?

How was Jesus' first day of school? Was Jesus a fast learner? Did he always do his homework? Was he always inquisitive? Was he quiet? Was he a brainerd? Was he your average student?

Did Jesus like to help around the house? Did he moan over his chores? Did he ever get into brawls with his siblings? Was he overprotective of them? Did he like to share his things? Did you find yourself constantly refereeing fights and tussles? Was he always willing to help out around the house?

How did it feel when you finally met in glory? How was it to see your son in full splendor and majesty? Were you in awe? Wonder? Shock? Were you amazed? How did it feel when he introduced you to his Father?

I really hope you do find time to read and response.

Yours Truly,

Me.

Saying goodbye

It is believed that this world is not our home. And rightly so. As Christians, we have another home. A home far, far away. One that's more beautiful, glamorous, lovely, indescribable... We are just here for the moment.

I guess, then, if that's the case, we should be preparing for our new home. We should be up figuring out what it means to get there, how we'll live, what we'll wear, how we'll get there. All our focus should be there. Most of all, we should be saying goodbye.

We should start, early enough, to say goodbye to what we see and have. We shouldn't be too cosy with what we own, neither too clingy with what we have. We should know to let them go when need be. After all, we won't be needing them where we're going, and as soon as we're gone, they'll be fought over by people who neither knew nor cared about us.

We should also consider sending our money over. Jesus calls it trading for money that "won't rust, neither be destroyed by moths". It'd be such a pity if you're filthy rich here, and when you cross over, you have nothing to your account. Trade it already. Give to the poor. Donate to a church. Help others with it. Invest in a cause that draws people closer to Jesus. Give, give, give. And after you've given, give.

We should pursue what really matters. The Bible says to hate what is in the world, and everything in it. We should pursue righteousness, love, forgiveness, and all the virtues that will be of great value up above. Things like getting even, being better than, coveting, shouldn't be part of our life, we won't need it where we're going.

Above all, focus. Focus on where you're going. Meditate on it day and night. Picture the beauty, the wonder, the glamour. Be fascinated by it all.

Merciful

I thought I knew and followed everything in the Bible to the tee. Until I bumped into the verse:

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy".

I've always bumped into the verse, thinking I'm the most merciful person in the world (OK, maybe not in the world, but at least I have enough mercy to win a Nobel Peace Prize). I thought I had saintly mercy. I always forgive those who hurt me (at least I try to), I'm kind to my colleagues, I have empathy to the sick and dying I see on TV,... I thought I was overwhelmingly merciful.

Until I faced the real me. Someone was on the verge of being fired. He had really abused his position, and the bosses had had enough. They wanted him out. As I heard the story, I felt so sad. I really empathized with the person. I knew he deserved to go, but I felt like maybe, the bosses should give him a second chance. They shouldn't fire him so soon. He's a man with a family to maintain. He has bills to pay. Oh, they should have mercy on the man and just give him a second chance.

Then a thought flooded through me: if I were the boss, would I have sustained him? Would I have the guts to retain him and tolerate his behaviour? Am I requiring too much of others, that I can't do? Was I being genuinely merciful, or just pitiful? And if I sustain him, won't I be abusing mercy?

That really opened my eyes. What is mercy? How is it given? Is it different from pity? When is it given? Am I as merciful as I thought I was?

Well, I resolved then, to learn mercy. To know what it really means. To not abuse it, or not thump myself on the chest coz I'm practising it. And I ask the Holy Spirit to help me in this endeavour.

Thinking out loud

At times I think out loud. Maybe too loudly.

I wonder where I'll be in a few years' time. Will I be married? Single? With children? Without children? In the city? In the country? Abroad? Rich? Wealthy? Poor?

I wonder what kinds of friends I'll have. Will they be beautiful? Classy? Upward? Poor? Loving? Many? Few? Close by? Far?

I wonder what kind of house I'll have. Will it be big? Small? In the City? In the country? Uptown? Downtown? Square? Round? An apartment house? A condo? A mansion?

I wonder how I'll look. Will I look fabulous? Boring? Simple? Complicated? Classy? Trashy? Friendly? Scary?

Will I be loved? Hated? Ignored? Embraced? Appreciated? Lost?

And I do have to realize that I don't have all the answers. God does. He's there in the future. And He knows all the answers. Chances are that He won't be telling me much, and all I have to do is trust Him.

Learning the hard way

I thought I knew everything I knew about life.

That is, until recently. Things took a turn for the weird. Everything I had learned about life was put under fire. The test was great, I absolutely failed. I knew, then, I know nothing about life. No matter how much I brag, no matter how experienced I think I am, I know nothing.

I realized I had to turn to the only one who knows about life and living - God. I have to turn to Him, whether I feel like I know everything, or I know nothing. Because He knows more than I. He created life itself. I can't know it all, especially about life.

Oh this cold!!

So the cold season is here. And with it comes all manner of discomfort. There's the uncomfortable feeling of feeling really cold, to the bones. Which calls to wearing numerous heavy attire to keep warm, which, for me, is quite uncomfortable. Then there's the issue of flus and colds. The ailments that come like some sort of pandaemic to almost everyone one such a time.

Truth be told, I don't like cold. Infact, I hate cold. I hate the cold feeling, the sore throats and flus, the dressing up to feel warm. Not forgetting having to gobble mugs of hot fluids just to keep warm, then ending up having to make trips to the bathroom every so often. I hate everything about the cold. I moan and wail almost every day, all day, during the cold season. At times I feel like the world would be a  better place without cold.

Inasmuch as I don't like the cold, I do realize that it has a purpose. I'm yet to figure out what it is, but I know God does everything for a time and a purpose. So I realize that, in one way or another, I do need it. God, in His infinite knowledge, works out great stuff in my life thru cold. I don't know what the great stuff is, but I also realize that God at times works in ways we can't see, and can't understand.

So as I barely tolerate this cold, I get to realize that it's not for nothing. I get thru the colds and flus not necessarily excited, but knowing that there's a reason for all this.